The Tenderness of Rose Quartz
by Artemisdesari
Summary: His mother cannot help him. She had raged at Thorin and Balin for a few hours, called Thorin all manner of names and used language that Kili had never thought he would hear from his properly spoken mother. Souls Stones part 6
1. Chapter 1

His mother cannot help him. She had raged at Thorin and Balin for a few hours, called Thorin all manner of names and used language that Kili had never thought he would hear from his properly spoken mother. Fili had seemed caught between shock, amusement and awe, and had laughingly whispered that Dis was truly a descendant of Durin. Kili hadn't asked, too caught up in his mother's argument with his uncle.

She tells Thorin that he should have waited for her, not because she disagrees with him, simply because she would have phrased it all better. She might have managed to explain it without Kili feeling like he had no options and that he was caught between the mountain and a rock fall. She _does_, in a way, when she takes Kili into her chambers and sits him on the floor in front of her chair so that she can take a comb to his uncooperative hair while they talk. It is familiar and soothing, and while Kili would usually insist that he is grown and in no need of such care he finds that he has missed this gentle expression of his mother's love for him.

"I don't agree with how my brother told you not to enter into a courtship with your elf," she tells him, "and I certainly don't agree with his threat of banishment. However, I _do_ agree with his reasons."

"Why?" Kili asks. "I thought you and Adad were-"

"Each other's One?" His mother finishes and Kili nods. "We were, but I didn't actually _want_ to marry him. I hadn't even _met_ him when the agreement was made. The Council of Lords in Ered Luin had concerns about taking so many refugees, which we were as much as your uncle and I hate to admit it to anyone. We were fresh out of the war with the orcs, your uncle had become king even though he wasn't of age and we had spent years trying to find somewhere to go. The Lords of Ered Luin were _not_ feeling generous and wanted to remind your uncle that without the Arkenstone, without Erebor or Khazad-dum he was king of nothing. They said that they would shelter us if I married someone of their choosing. A prince or princess of the line is rarely permitted to marry where they wish, **kurkarukê**, and your uncle and I both knew it. Had Frerin survived maybe the burden might have fallen upon _him_, but then I would never have met your father, and never been allowed to marry him even if I had." She sighs.

Why choose a miner?" Kili asks.

"I think they sought to humiliate us and drive us away, they wanted to remind us that _they_ had all the power and all the wealth. We were nothing in comparison and so they chose a poor miner as my husband. I think they hoped he would come to resent me and I him. Instead, Mahal smiled on us and we saw each other's heart. Your uncle made them regret their decision in the end, even if they _did_ refuse their aid in our recovery of Erebor."

"Was Tir's father one of them?" Kili asks. His mother and Tir's were good friends until Mir's death thirty years ago. Dis has come to love Tir, in her own way, as the daughter that the death of her husband prevented her from ever having.

"No," his mother's fingers weave the braids that show his status with enviable swiftness. "Her grandfather was the one to make the decision, but he never lived long enough to see what came of it."

"But how can you _agree_ with Thorin on this?" Kili whispers. "How can you agree when the same thing was done to you and he gets to make all of his own choices? How can he tell me not to court Tauriel when he can have Bilbo?"

"Because Master Baggins is leaving," his mother tells him quietly. "I'm sure he will tell the rest of you over the next few days. He has a home to go back to, his own people and family and he isn't comfortable here. He's a hobbit, **kurkarukê****, **and much as you may wish him to stay, much as Thorin does, he knows he cannot. Your uncle asks nothing of you that has not been asked of himself." Kili stays silent. "As to the rest, it is duty. You are a prince of Erebor. If the mountain were stable, if she had never fallen to Smaug, or if your uncle had not fallen to the madness of the dragon and the gold perhaps we could have considered it. There are other factors as well, as Thorin explained badly. Her position and status mean that any alliance is worthless. Were she still in service to Thranduil we might try and say that it is an attempt to make peace with our neighbours. There are other rumours that would make that ring false."

"What rumours?" Kili asks, aware that there is so much going on that he has not taken any notice of, so much that he should know but has been too lost in his own head to realise.

"That her prince was in love with her and her king forbid it," his mother replies and Kili feels his heart sink, although it explains a few things. "Thranduil has lost his son to this, Kili. She disobeyed him and he banished her, even had he been inclined to relent after the battle he could not once she had drawn her weapon on him. She betrayed and threatened her king and has been cast out for it."

"Bilbo betrayed Thorin," Kili grumbles, "no one is holding that against _him_."

"As I understand it Thorin was in the grip of the gold and ready to start a war over it. Bilbo was trying to _help,_ and it did it for _all_ of you, not just one. He has certainly shown his remorse and more than made up for his actions since. They are not the same thing," his mother points out. "Even when your uncle would have killed him Bilbo did not meet him with violence. It is a very different thing, Kili, and you know it." He sighs and nods, he does know it even though the whole situation still feels unfair. "To return to the point. We have trouble enough trusting elves as it is, can you honestly expect us to trust one who would betray her people like that? She has driven a wedge between the king and prince of the Woodland Realm. The prince has gone to seek his own fate and the mending of his heart. Will you have her shatter another family? Drive you from me? From your brother and uncle?"

"I would wish for a solution that would make us _all_ happy," Kili admits.

"We all would," her fingers press into his scalp and he moves his head obediently. "Have you spoken to Fili of it? He knows her, does he not?"

"He's had his own concerns," Kili sighs.

"Yes," his mother agrees. "Between the two of you Balin, Thorin and I will be driven into early graves. _His_ choice comes with problems of its own. Most of them, however, are easily solved and none are insurmountable. He is at least taking the time to _know_ her before declaring he loves her. How well do you know your elf? What are your feelings for her now that here is no thrill of danger in your blood, no fear of death or relief at living? You would not be the first to confess feeling more or falsely in the heat of the moment."

"It was not _false_!" Kili flares.

"At the time, no," Dis agrees. "But you came so close to death more than once in a short time and if it was believed every time, I would have been married to Dwalin before we ever reached Ered Luin."

Kili stares and shudders at the thought of his mother and Dwalin. Little wonder they place so much faith in seeing the heart of your One's soul, it must have prevented more than one unwise marriage in those old enough to believe themselves in love and too young to be sensible about it. He _is_ young, he realises, and for an elf Tauriel is too. They have time, plenty of it in truth. He isn't even eighty yet, though he will be seventy-eight in a few weeks, and there is much that he needs to see and do. Much he needs to learn.

"In a decade or two, if you are meant to be, she will still be there," his mother soothes as she fastens a bead at the end of his second braid. "And if she is, we will be better placed to weather the scandal of it. Do not give her up entirely if you do not wish it, only withdraw for a time and take some space to think."

She embraces him and Kili clings to her like he is drowning. He had longed for her so many times during the months of the quest, they had been parted before but the journey to Erebor was more dangerous than escorting a caravan through Dunland and had revealed still more dangers that none of them could have foreseen.

He takes his leave not long after, the journey was harder on his mother than she seems to want to admit and she is obviously tired. Once he has left her rooms, however, Kili finds himself at a loss for something to do. Thorin has given him the day to think on his ultimatum, except Kili doesn't really _want _to think on it anymore. He doesn't want to choose between the home he has fought so hard for and the love everyone is telling him cannot be real or true. He has risked his life for this place, has spent his youth hearing of it and yearning for it. In truth he yearns for it still, to see the mountain returned to her full glory even as magnificent as she is in her ruin. He can understand why Thorin loves her so fiercely.

He wanders aimlessly for a time, debates going to the range for some target practice but knows that his mind is so full he would probably end up hitting _someone_ instead of the target. Balin might have something for him to do, and there is ample work in the forge for a smith of even Kili's minor skill. He rounds a corner and bumps into Tir. She wears her cloak, though it is brushed behind her in the warmth of the mountain, and Kili can see that she wears a dress of emerald green that is of a better quality material than even the fine tunic he is now wearing. Her father, he knows, is incredibly wealthy and while that may not have been evident when she arrived it is obvious now.

"I had thought your mother might like to take a turn about the battlements," Tir says as he steadies her.

"She's resting," Kili replies. "The journey has tired her more than I think she realises. I can escort you, if you will give me a moment."

She smiles and gives him a mocking curtsy, much as she always used to, and he had worried that might have changed given how they parted. It takes only a moment to fetch his coat, a fine affair in dark leather and fur to replace the one lost in Mirkwood. In truth, even if Thranduil ever returns those things taken from them and left behind, he will probably never wear it in the mountain. It had been so worn by the time they had been escorted to Thranduil's dungeons that it would look out of place on a prince of Erebor.

Tir loops her arm through his when he offers it with a silly little laugh. He hasn't offered his arm to her in years and she never seems to expect it of him. They stroll together slowly, neither in any hurry, and though Kili's mind is full of other things he welcomes the distraction provided by the presence of one of his closest friends.

"Your mother has been worried about you," Tir says as they walk, and he meets her green eyes with his dark ones. "It was all I could do to get her to eat and sleep while we waited for news. She would spend all day doing the work of your uncle and much of the night pacing. I was living with her in the end and quite as desperate for news as she was."

Kili knows why, even though he never shared it with anyone else. He remembers waking, the night before he left, disorientated and confused in her bed as she cried out in grief beside him. They had lain together a few times in the past but had never fallen asleep together. It was something that they had always sworn they would not do, content to seek the convenience of deep friendship and the willingness of the other without the entanglements of anything more. Tir had experienced true dreams before and that night she had dreamt of his death and begged him to stay. He had refused, accused her of fighting his mother's battle and trying to manipulate him to her wishes.

"I'm sorry I didn't listen," he says, and she waves her free hand.

"It is forgotten," she replies. "It is a gift from Mahal to arrive and find that it was merely a nightmare and nothing more." She has no idea how close to the truth that statement is, Kili thinks.

"Is that why you came?" Kili asks. "To watch over my mother and see the outcome for yourself?"

She pauses, withdrawing her arm from his and he turns to look at her. They are in a secluded corridor, the mountain is not yet full enough for there to be more regular traffic in this area just yet, and he leans against the wall as he waits for her to answer.

"I wish I could say it was the only reason," she twists a ring on one of her fingers. "But we would _both_ know that's a lie. My father has sent me to find a husband. He believes I will make a better match _here_ than in Ered Luin. He's probably right." She lets out a mocking, bitter little laugh. "Your mother has graciously agreed to sponsor me in your uncle's court, to help me find someone my father would approve of."

"What of your One?" Kili asks, alarmed for her though their situations are so similar. "You spoke of knowing who it was, does your father disapprove of them?"

"Oh, I'm sure if he knew he would be thrilled with his identity," she replies. "But I long ago accepted that even though I can see _his_ heart, he cannot see mine."

"Maybe he doesn't know what he's seeing," Kili offers, after all he hadn't known it was possible until Fili had told him a few months ago. "Why not just tell him?"

"I had no wish to make him feel obligated," Tir shrugs. "And it's rather a moot point now, anyway, given the rumours I've heard since arriving."

"Not Fili?" Kili whispers, he isn't sure what he would do if it turned out that Fili could have his pick between Arja and Tir. He likes Arja, she's kind and giving, she makes Fili smile and helps smooth the cracks and doubts that Thorin's sometimes thoughtless words create. Tir is his best friend, however, after Fili and Gimli both of whom he is close to for other reasons, and he couldn't bear to see her hurt by his brother.

"No," she laughs, and this one is genuine. "Not Fili." She assures him. "There is nothing to be done for it. Dis will not allow me to make a match that will make me miserable and I know _you_ will not allow it either." Kili takes her hand in hers and squeezes.

"Of course I wouldn't," he promises. Truly he hates the idea of her marrying any other than her One, but she has never shared his identity with Kili either and he stopped pressing years ago. Then he glances down and frowns. There is a shadow in the Rose Quartz of the pin she always wears, one that had not been there the last time he saw her, and it almost looks as though it has been dropped and damaged. "What happened to your pin?" He asks. Her hand goes to the gold and emerald clasp that holds her coiled fiery braids in place.

"What do you mean?" She asks, reaching to unclasp it and he shakes his head.

"Your mother's clasp is fine," he says, "I mean the broach you always wear."

"I've never worn a broach," she replies, her face pulling into a confused frown.

"Here," he reaches up and brushes his fingers lightly over the rose quartz on her left breast, watching with wide eyes as his fingers pass through it.

"Kili!" She hisses. "We're in _public_ and I'm not starting that again. Kili?"

His vision has narrowed to that one point, all sensation focussed on the feeling of thick fabric beneath his fingers where there should be cool stone. He stares at that place where he clearly sees a large piece of shadowed rose quartz surrounded by diamonds and pale green sapphires. He blinks, hardly daring to breathe as he turns his gaze up to meet her concerned eyes, watches her lips make the shape of his name though he does not hear it. His fingers are trembling when she touches his chest, he can feel it, but his mind has narrowed onto that one thing, the thing that he has always seen and never thought about. The oddity that he had asked his mother about and had been told it was just jewellery.

His mother has always known.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, "I just remembered- Can we do this another time?"

"Kili, are you alright?" She asks.

"Fine," he insists, though he is anything but. "I just- I have to go, I'm sorry."

He isn't even really aware of the words that spill from his lips, just turns and returns the way that they had come. He's barely aware of Tir following him, trying to stop him because she's understandably concerned. He doesn't notice Fili and Arja coming towards them, doesn't see the healer stop and linger with Tir, doesn't realise that Fili has followed him instead. He isn't aware of any of it until Fili grabs his arm and jolts him back into himself.

"What's wrong?" Fili demands. "Tir's distraught. Have you had one of your silly little fights already?"

"What does it mean if a jewel has a shadow?" Kili asks. "Not a normal one, a soul jewel. What does it mean?"

"That it's been damaged," Fili replies. "The same as it would in a normal jewel, unless it's a flaw that has always existed. Kili have you _seen_ something?"

Kili shakes his head and pulls away, though Fili has to suspect something regardless of whether he answers. Instead of waiting for his brother to ask another question he marches to the door of their shared room and hurries inside, slamming the door behind him and cutting off his brother's concerned questions. Then he locks the door behind him so that he cannot be disturbed and sinks down against it.

What, in Mahal's name, is he supposed to do now?

* * *

_**A.N: **_**_Khuzdul:_**

**_kurkarukê: my tiny raven_**

**_Stone Meanings:_**

**_Rose Quartz: A gentle, enduring love_**

**_Diamond: strong emotions_**

**_Green Sapphire: a trusting heart_**

**_This one is going to be at least two chapters, poor Kili is having a bit of a time of it. Once this is done, though, we'll return to Mahal's peanut gallery, Durin is a bit fed up of being ignored_**


	2. Chapter 2

Fili watches his brother slam the door to their room and hears the key turn in the lock over his stunned questions. He had known that Kili had been struggling with everything over the last few months, struggling with Fili's insistence that they would be _dead_ if not for Durin's meddling. He hasn't been able to help his brother, mostly because Kili has been avoiding him and he should have made more of an effort but there have been so many other things occupying his mind and his time. The only time he seemed to have spare ended up being the nights that his brother was out on patrol.

He leans against the door, debating sitting in the corridor and waiting for Kili to emerge. It would work in Ered Luin. The trouble is, this is _not_ Ered Luin. Fili has more duties and demands on his time here than he ever had in the Blue Mountains. He has an afternoon for himself, the first in nearly two weeks, and his intention had been to spend some of it with Arja while Kili and their mother spoke and then spend the rest trying to help his brother through this new problem. He has already had to endure a lecture from Balin this morning about the importance of the royal family presenting a united front to their arriving people. He dreads to think what Kili's reaction will be if Balin manages to corner him before they can sort out this latest disaster (whatever it is), Fili's hadn't exactly been favourable.

Arja finds him not long later, he's leant against the wall by the door, arms folded over his chest and legs crossed in front of him while he thinks on his options. The healer's face is blank, but Fili can see the concern in her dark eyes.

"Did she tell you anything?" Fili asks, he should probably check up on Tir himself, but in the choice between Kili and anyone else his brother will always come first. He hasn't dared to tell Arja that he had told Thorin he would give her up if it meant that Kili could follow his heart. He doesn't think he ever will. He cares about her, loves her although it is too early really to know it for certain, but Kili has _always_ come first and that is a hard habit to break.

"Not much," Arja shrugs. "But she doesn't know me like she does the two of you."

"Maybe I should try," he mutters. "I'm not getting anywhere here." Fili and Tir are close, they've known each other for the better part of sixty years and there were never many his age of the same status in Ered Luin. He had other friends, but Tir and Gimli were of an age and position to understand the extra demands on Fili and Kili.

Although given the way that Kili and Tir had sparkled when they touched after her arrival Fili is _very_ sure that he isn't anything _like_ as close to her as his brother has been.

"I'll wait for Kili if you like," Arja offers. "Or find Lady Dis and see if he'll talk to her."

"No," Fili shakes his head. "Not **Amad**. If what I _think_ has happened has- she played a part in it, I'm certain."

"You think he's seen her heart," the healer whispers and Fili sighs.

"I think he's always seen it," he replies, pressing his head against hers for an all too brief moment before turning away.

It explains a lot, Fili thinks as he makes his way to Tir's chambers. They should have been Kili's but his brother had been happy to give them up for his friend. It explains Kili in his twenties complaining about Tir always wearing the same piece of jewellery, even while training. It explains the silly pair of rose quartz earrings he had tried to make to '_match the hideous thing she loves so much_'. It explains the longing and hopeful looks Tir started giving Kili just before her mother died. Mir must have told her about soul hearts, perhaps not trusting that Nirdan would. It explains the dejection on her face each time Kili took a fancy to a new face.

She's never _said_ anything, Fili thinks angrily. How much could have been avoided if she had spoken?

Tir opens her door as soon as he knocks, black opals, orange and purple sapphires dance around her head but the sparkle that coats her when she is next to Kili is gone. Her green eyes show signs of tears and she looks up at him warily. She's never feared Fili, not even at his fiercest in the training ring or when his anger flares hotter than usual, but she knows well how protective he is of his brother.

"I need to know what happened," he says, hoping she will answer him and relieved when she steps back to let him in.

"What has Kili told you?" She asks, walking slowly to the harp that now stands in one corner and plucking idly at the strings.

"Nothing," he replies, sitting on a chair that is in sight of the open door. There are rules of behaviour that have to be observed in Erebor even if they couldn't be in Ered Luin.

She begins to play a sad little tune as she looks at him, all her normal playfulness gone from her face. Then she starts to speak, her words hardly audible over her song, and she tells him about the agreement between her father and his mother. She tells him that Kili had seemed unsettled by it, but on _her_ behalf rather than his own or suspicious of her motives. He had been upset for her _One_ because her father was coming between them.

"Is he?" Fili asks. "Is he stopping you from marrying your One?"

"No," she shakes her head. "_I_ am. I know who he is, but if he's _seen_ my heart, he's never said anything." She shrugs. "Like I told Kili, I don't want him to feel like he _has_ to want me."

"Does Kili know who it is?" He keeps his voice gentle, though he already knows the answer, and sees Tir shake her head. "It's Kili, isn't it? That's why you've never told him." The colour, what little is left, drains from her face and her fingers still.

"You _can't_!" She exclaims. "Fili, you can't tell him. He's my _best friend_ ad he's never looked at me like that, he's never _seen_."

"I won't," Fili assures her. "I promise, Tir, Kili won't hear it from me. But I think you're wrong." She stares at him, eyes shining with an almost desperate hope and Fili wonders just how hard it has been for her to smile and laugh with his brother knowing that she might never have anything more. "I think he's always seen it and it took him until today to understand it."

"He was asking about my broach," Tir says, fingers tracing the empty space over her heart. "When he became upset, I mean. I thought he was talking about someone else or trying to-" She flushes and _that_ is confirmation enough for Fili that his suspicions about the sparkle they had taken on together had been correct. Tir and Kili have done more than just talk when they have been alone.

"Give him some time," Fili suggests rather than pursue that revelation. "This mess with Tauriel has him all turned around, realising _this_ on top isn't going to help. Just, give him space, Tir. I can't make any promises for him, you know that, but I don't think he's foolish enough to just ignore it."

"And we both know that he's just stubborn enough that he might," she replies.

Fili has to allow that to be true. Kili has been known to do something simply because he has been told _not_ to. Fili shudders at the memory of the fox cub that Kili had decided to keep when he was twenty-three. It had shredded their mother's best boots and to this day Fili is still surprised that they never found its pelt trimming a cloak or coat belonging to Dis.

"We'll work it out," he tells Tir, standing.

"I was going to give him up, Fili," she whispers as he goes to leave. "I was going to tuck all of the memories I had made with him away in a corner of my mind and give him up."

He nods sadly. She would have. Tir has been raised knowing that she would have to make a good match, raised knowing that she might never have the deeply loving match that so many dwarves secretly long for. The expectations on her, as the daughter of one of the most powerful dwarves in Ered Luin, are much the same as they now are on Fili and Kili. She would have given Kili up to do her duty to her family, even though _she_ is everything that Balin and Thorin could want in a bride for Fili or Kili. Just as they, _now_, are exactly what her father might most want for _her_, and likely he had hoped she would catch one of them. Fili knows that there was talk, about fifteen years ago, of organising a match between him and Tir. Kili had objected, on the basis that he and Tir were better friends, but at the time Fili had been perfectly happy to go along with it. At the time Fili hadn't _believed_ in Ones.

Fili has always known that if he didn't choose a wife one would be chosen for him. The dwarf birth rate is too low to risk him not having an heir because Kili either chose not to marry or failed to have a child himself. Until Arja Fili had been perfectly content with the idea that he might not marry his One, until Arja he hadn't believed in them anyway. Kili always has. Kili is the one that Fili and Gimli would tease for looking. The irony being, of course, that she had been right in front of him the whole time.

The worst part of it all, is Fili thinks his mother might have known. _She_ had been the one to object to a match between Fili and Tir. It had been his _mother_ who had pushed Thorin to reject the entire idea. It had been her who had made sure to keep Fili and Tir apart until Nirdan had accepted the response.

"Fili!" His mother welcomes him into her rooms with a delighted embrace. He returns it stiffly. _This_ conversation will not be easy for either of them. "What's wrong,** Kidhuzurâl**?"

"What have you_ done_, **Amad**?" Fili snaps, kicking the door closed because _no one_ should hear this conversation. "To Kili and Tir, _what have you done_?"

"Do _not_ take that tone with me," his mother snarls. "What do you know of it? What does Kili know of it?"

"Kili likely knows less than half of it, and I'm sure I know far more than you would like," Fili replies. "So much of our current circumstances could have been avoided if he had known." All of this mess with Tauriel wouldn't even exist if Kili had known that Tir is his One.

"He was twenty-two when he first came to me," Dis hisses and Fili is surprised that his brother had been so young. "I could hardly tell him that his future love had been decided for him _that_ early."

"Why not tell him later?" Fili demands. "Why not tell him when Nirdan started talking about _me_ marrying her?"

"Because it wouldn't have done any good," his mother cries. "What should I have told him? Should I have told him she was his One but in comparison to _you_ Nirdan wouldn't hear of it? Tell him he wasn't good enough because he was the spare heir to a lost throne? I _tried_, Fili, but telling him would have led to him doing something rash."

"More rash than going on a quest to steal a pretty gem from a _dragon_?" Fili spits. "Like convincing himself he had fallen in love with an elf because his heart is being denied the one created for it?" Fili scrubs a hand over his face. "More rash than going to her bed the night before we left?"

"Kili knows better," Dis whispers. They both do, not that it has been much of a deterrent. They're cautious, they can't afford any bastard children after all, but it hasn't prevented them from enjoying the willing bodies of others.

"They have, **Amad**," he says seriously.

"He told you? _She_ told you?"

"They didn't need to," Fili shakes his head. "It's obvious." His mother shoots him a sceptical look but Fili isn't about to get into the fact that he died, was returned by their highly irate ancestor and has been left with the ability to see _souls_ as a result. He doubts she would believe him anyway.

"I was going to tell him when we got here," his mother admits as she rubs the end of her closely cropped beard, kept short in memory of her husband. It is a nervous habit that Fili rarely sees these days. "Nirdan had told me he wanted me to be sure she married a lord, but he would have been delighted to have her married to the spare to the throne of Erebor. He thought I wouldn't even consider it after his objections in the past and I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of knowing my plans."

"And then you got here and walked straight into this mess with Tauriel," Fili finishes. "One that keeps getting worse by the hour, it seems." He flops into a chair, suddenly exhausted by the whole thing and knowing that he has more to come as soon as he leaves this room. "He shouldn't have found out the way that he did."

"I thought it was for the best," his mother replies. "I had no way of knowing this would be the outcome and no need to explain myself to you." She pauses. "How did he find out?"

"When he saw a shadow on her heart," Fili tells her. "I think she'd heard about everything with Tauriel and resolved to move on. She's heartsick over the whole thing. I don't want to think about what will happen if he rejects her after all of this."

"Do you think he will?" His mother sounds concerned, and a vicious part of Fili thinks that she should. She has hurt more than one person with her decision to keep this information quiet, even if that wasn't her intention.

"I think if Thorin had kept his bloody mouth shut and waited to talk to you first there would be no doubt that Kili would have realised Tir was his One on his own." If his mother is shocked at the disrespectful way he speaks about his uncle she hides it well. "He's hardly mentioned Tauriel this winter, I think he had already realised for himself that it was an infatuation that had nearly run its course and he was just trying to work out how to handle that given all of the circumstances. Now? Now I don't know." He admits and that's more concerning than anything else. Before this winter he would have been able to predict what Kili might choose to do. Before this winter he was a very different dwarf.

"I'll talk to him," his mother offers.

"No," Fili gets to his feet. "You've done enough, **Amad**." Anguish covers his mother's face and Fili feels guilt fill him at putting it there. "I'm sorry," he wraps his arms around her. "I know you didn't intend any of this."

Dis sags against him. For a moment he is tempted to let her go to Kili, to let her deal with his brother's rage and confusion. He is tempted to let her see his anguish and bear the brunt of his anger. That has never been the way that they do things. Kili is more like Thorin when he is angry than he realises, he says some things that would be unforgivable in the moment and their mother shouldn't need to deal with two such tempers. Her sons have never been able to completely shield her from Thorin's rages, but they can protect her from themselves.

"Go to Tir?" He asks her. "I think she could use the love of family as much as Kili. Let me deal with him tonight." He is relieved when his mother agrees.

* * *

_**A.N: **__Stone meanings:_

_Black Opal: foresight, the seers stone_

_Orange Sapphire: creativity_

_Purple Sapphire: intuitive_

_Khuzdul:_

_Kidhuzurâl: Golden One_

_Back to Kili next chapter. Which might end up having to be cut in two because there's quite a lot he needs to work through. _


	3. Chapter 3

Kili isn't sure how long he sits with his back pressed against the door while he frantically tries to calm his whirling mind so that he can just _think_. He wanted a solution to his problem, and this is _not_ it. He has no idea what his feeling for Tauriel _are_, although he is now positive that they were never as powerful as he had believed at the time. Now, on top of that, he has to work out where he stands with his oldest friend as well.

"Fuck," he whispers, leaning his head on his knees and linking his fingers behind his neck.

He won't lie to himself, not that it would do him any good at this point, he _has_ entertained the idea of marrying Tir more than once. He might have made the offer if he had believed for a moment that she would have him over her One. The thought had taken root all the more powerfully when her father had suggested that she marry Fili, some small part of him demanding that it should be him and the urge had grown stronger still when they had begun to find physical pleasure in one another. More than once he had wished she would tell him the identity of the one who held her heart so that he could make the fool see what he was missing. Now he has the horrible feeling that the idiot might have been him all along and this whole situation is going to force him to watch Tir wed another no matter what happens with Tauriel.

His mind begins to run in panicked circles. His breath starts to come in sharp gasps, and he has no idea how to stop it. He has never felt like this, has never felt like his life has spiralled so far out of his control and he doesn't know what to do. He struggles with it all and has no idea if it lasts for minutes or hours or _days_ before the shuddering of the heavy door at his back jolts through him.

"Kili, if you don't open this door, I'm getting an _axe_!" His brother bellows. "Let me in!"

Fili will cut the door down, he knows, it wouldn't be the first time. He's almost surprised that it has taken his brother _this_ long, but not at the same time. Fili has been known to seek out answers elsewhere when he cannot get them from Kili and he hopes that his brother hasn't been too hard on Tir. This isn't _her_ fault, not entirely. He staggers to his feet and unlocks the door, then steps back and waits for Fili to come in. He almost expects to see his mother and Thorin with him, isn't entirely sure he wants either of them there at all but unable to see how word of this won't have reached them already. They aren't and some of the tension leeches from him when Fili closes the door and they are alone.

"**Nadadith**," Fili breathes and Kili must look a real fright to have brought _that_ expression to his brother's face. Then his brother's arms are tight around him and Kili feels like he can breathe again. His brother is here, if anyone can make it all make sense it is Fili.

Vaguely he finds himself led to the bed they are still sharing, a sign that he has needed the reassurance of Fili's presence more than he had realised since he should have been in a room of his own before his mother and Tir arrived. He had been only too pleased to give the space that should have been his to his friend, hadn't even thought to question it. Is glad of it now, that this space is theirs and safe and that there is no guilt to come from the thought that he is keeping Fili from his bed or invading his brother's space.

"You truly didn't know?" Fili asks when Kili is settled, his boots and coat removed and flung haphazardly into a corner. They lie next to one another staring up at the heavy canopy over the bed, the thick curtains drawn closed around them so that they are shut even deeper into their own world.

"You know I didn't," Kili grumbles, turning to look at his brother in the darkness. Dwarves like light, it allows them to see the colours of things, but they do not _need_ it as such. He can see Fili's face well enough, the concerned lines around his eyes and the fact that his beard doesn't hide the downturn of his lips or the way that they have pinched together. He knows his brother well enough to know that Fili will have spoken to Tir, he wasn't getting anything out of Kili and he's never been particularly good at keeping his nose out of Kili's problems.

"I do," Fili agrees. "But I had to be sure."

They stay like this for a while, silent in the dark while Kili's racing thoughts ease and it begins to occur to him that he doesn't have to work this out on his own.

"What do I do?" Kili asks into the darkness. Fili sighs.

"Don't over think it," he replies. "That isn't normally a problem for you."

"And look where it's got me," Kili huffs, sitting up.

"Just take it one thing at a time," Fili advises. "Let's put everything with Tir to one side and focus on Tauriel."

"How can I?" Kili demands. "Mahal, Fili, I've been pushing Tir aside for _years_ and I didn't even realise it until today."

"Stop over thinking it," Fili tells him, also sitting. "We're not going to ignore her but since the Tauriel thing came up first we'll deal with it first. One thing at a time, Kee." Kili nods. "Alright, ignoring for the moment that Durin was right and Uncle's brains were found on the scrap heap, are you thinking of courting Tauriel?"

Kili hesitates. He has no idea how to explain his feelings to his brother. He doesn't _love_ Tauriel, he has come to realise that over the winter. He values her as a friend and he supposes she's attractive enough for an elf, but the overwhelming feelings that he was so sure he had felt on the shores of Esgaroth aren't there anymore. In Mirkwood he had been isolated, too far away from his brother and friends to really talk to them and it had been a little bit flattering that she would stop to speak with him as often as she did. In Lake Town he had been dying and she had appeared as though sent by Mahal to save him. Before leaving for Erebor he had been relieved to be alive and so grateful that she had come for him when she had confessed that she had left the Woodland Realm against the wishes of her king. He could come to love her, he thinks, if they were to court one another, but in the back of his mind he thinks he would always have had doubts. Knowing what he knows, hearing the warning from Durin that he would never see her soul and know for sure, perhaps he would always have questioned whether he had done the right thing.

"I owe it to her to try, don't I?" He asks. "She gave up everything to save me, surely I should at least consider doing the same for her?"

"There's no hope for you if you think like _that_," Fili replies. "Everything _she_ did was done because _she_ chose to do it. You didn't ask it of her. You have to remember, if you decide to try and court her there won't be any coming back from it. Thorin _will_ be forced to cast you out. **Amad** and I will argue against it, but you know how uncle is once he gets an idea in his head." Kili sighs, he does know. "Have you talked to _her_ at all? Do you know what she wants?"

"She wants to see the world," Kili replies, "she's free to do it now and she's asked me to go with her."

"Do you want to?"

"No," Kili surprises himself with how quickly he answers that question. "I don't. I fought so hard to get here and I want to see the mountain restored, I want to _help_ restore her. I belong here. Tauriel doesn't seem to understand that."

"There's your answer," Fili tells him. "You'll have to see her and tell her, of course, and I can't promise you that she'll be all that happy. She needs to know you can't let her linger on waiting for you."

Kili nods, he knows that Fili will see it, and pushes his hands into his hair, fingers catching on the braids that his mother had so carefully woven for him that morning. Thoughts of his mother bring him back to the situation with Tir. His mother knew, she _had_ to know because he had told her what he had seen. She had lied to him and he quite suddenly finds himself tearing the beads from his hair and flinging them against the closed curtains. Fili watches him silently, unmoving as Kili uses shaking fingers to unravel the braids. He obviously knows what is going through Kili's head and just as obviously knows far more of the answers than his younger brother. Kili wonders how many of those he will actually hear and how many promises Fili has made to get the information.

"Tir?" His brother asks.

"**Amad**," Kili replies. "She knew everything and kept it from me."

"She was protecting you," Fili says, confirming a great many of Kili's unasked questions.

"I'm not a _child_!" He cries. "I don't need protecting. Not by **Amad**, and not by _Tir_. She should have told me."

Fili gives him the same look he always uses when he thinks Kili is being especially dense about something. Kili's tired of it, all of it. He's tired of people keeping things from him because they think he needs to be protected. He's tired of people hiding things that could affect his future, tired of them making decisions on his behalf because they don't believe he is capable of thinking his way through something. His mother has always said that he is reckless, and perhaps he is, but he would have been more careful had he known that Tir was waiting for him as more than his friend and occasional lover. Had he known that Tir was his One he probably wouldn't have come on the quest at all, he certainly would have listened to her when she begged him not to go because he, Fili and Thorin were going to die. He probably would have persuaded Fili to stay home too.

Now he's found out and it's probably too late to salvage it all. He doubts that Tir is going to want him now, not with all the history between them, not with all the questions about Tauriel. He has spent years burying the idea that he might ask her to court him anyway under layers of doubt and questions, buried them under the idea that one day her One might wake up and realise how brilliant Kili has always thought she is and sweep her away.

"What would you have done?" Fili asks after all of this has tumbled out of his mouth in a jumbled mess. "If you had been told that you were Tir's One and Nirdan refused to allow you to marry, what would you have done?"

He _wants_ to say that he would have accepted it or found a way to convince Nirdan otherwise. He doesn't, because they both know that wouldn't be the truth. Kili would have done something foolish and Tir probably would have gone along with it because she will rein him in when and where she can but there are other times when she has been just as involved in whatever ridiculousness he has been up to as he has. Or she has been the one to come _up_ with the idea. So, he knows that he wouldn't have been sensible about it, and he knows that Tir would have gone along with him because he has all the proof of that he needs already. After all, the first time they fell into bed together wasn't the only time.

The first time they had both drunk a little too much during Thorin's birthday celebration. They had agreed it was a bad idea and promised not to do it again, until a dare got out of hand. Then there had been the third time when it had been a choice between beating each other black and blue in the training ring or him taking her against a wall. The fourth time had been to see if the other three times had been as good as they had thought, and it had spiralled after that. In hindsight, that should have been his biggest clue.

This all tells him that if he had decided to defy Nirdan and run away with Tir she would have followed him. The one thing he is apparently _not_ willing to do with Tauriel is the thing that he would have done for Tir.

"Fine," he says after Fili has left him to think it through. "I would have done something stupid."

"**Amad** knew that," Fili replies. "She was protecting both of you and she was going to tell you the truth when she arrived. A prince of Erebor is better than a prince of nowhere." Kili scowls. "Look, I can't promise that we can fix this, but the next thing you need to do is talk to Tauriel."

"And Tir?" Kili asks. "We can't go back to the way things were."

"Grovel," Fili advises. "Although, storming in declaring that you love her and always have is a bad idea."

"I'm not in love with her," Kili protests, more out of habit than in truth.

"If you say so," Fili rolls his eyes. "Marching in and declaring you want to court her because she's your One is a terrible idea. I think '_I'm an idiot, my brother got all the beauty and the brains and I'm sorry I didn't see what was right in front of my nose_,' might be a good place to start."

He won't be doing that in fact he calls Fili a few names that their mother would strongly disapprove of. He isn't stupid enough to knock on Tir's door and declare that he's a blind fool. Even though he is and her sad smiles every time he had said it to her about her One in the past suddenly make a lot more sense, but he is going to have to apologise for running off on her like he did. She has to know why by now, of course, what with Fili rampaging around like a blind troll demanding answers, but it doesn't mean that they have to address it now. They'll have to talk about it eventually, especially if the whole point of her being here is so that his mother can help her to find a suitable husband, it just doesn't have to be _now_. Kili needs time to wrap his head around it.

Besides, first he has to see Tauriel, and that isn't a meeting he is looking forward to.

* * *

_**A.N: **__That didn't quite come out how I had thought it would in my head. None of these seem to have done honestly. One more chapter of this one to go and then it's done and I'll stop being mean to poor Kili for a while. _


	4. Chapter 4

Kili doesn't go to see Tauriel alone. He would prefer to, but Thorin doesn't want him near Tauriel without someone to keep an eye on him. He takes Fili, insists on it being his brother because Dwain or anyone else his uncle might send won't give him the space that he might need to explain things to her. He doesn't need _more_ rumours on top of everything else that is going on. Thorin and Balin are unhappy with it, Fili has just had an afternoon for himself and Kili feels a bit guilty about the fact that all of his brother's free time is being used up to solve _Kili's _problems. Fili insists that he doesn't mind, but Kili well knows how busy his brother is these days.

"Kili," Tauriel's soft voice is the first sign that they have reached the meeting point, he doesn't see her until he glances up.

The elf is perched on an outcropping from the mountain and she drops down in front of him on silent feet. She _is_ beautiful, he thinks. Slender and tall, fair skin that seems to glow in the sun and fiery hair that hangs neatly over her shoulders.

"It is good to see you," she says and although she doesn't add the '_finally_' the implication is clear.

"Hello Tauriel," he tries to smile and knows that it doesn't really reach his eyes. In fact, he suspects that it comes out as more of a grimace.

"Fili," She nods to his brother who inclines his head briefly. Then he withdraws with a raise of his eyebrows, his concern that his brother may need the support is obvious. Kili flicks a couple of quick gestures at him, reassuring his brother that if he is needed he will be summoned. He knows that Fili fears they will run into difficulties with this conversation but Kili is clinging to the hope that this will be quick and clean.

It isn't.

Tauriel has never really understood _why_ Kili feels so connected to this mountain. He wasn't born here, has never lived here. He had never seen it before setting foot in it after Smaug's demise. She has longed to travel for much of her life and she knows that he has seen so much more of the world than she has in his short life, even if it has only been on caravan routes. She cannot understand how he can be willing to give that up for a mountain stronghold that lies in ruins. She cannot understand Erebor's call and the way that the stone sings in his blood. This is a place he has longed for all of his life without even realising that it was calling for him.

Perhaps Fili is right. Maybe Mahal _did_ make him and his brother for the sake of this mountain.

Whatever the reason, the mountain is in his blood and it is his inheritance. Fili may one day rule it, but for Kili this will always be home. Explaining this to Tauriel is hard especially when her face, which is so unusually expressive for an elf, gradually becomes cold and distant.

"Will you join me later?" She asks him and Kili shakes his head.

"It will be decades, probably, before I can leave," he tells her. Besides which by then he will be married, whether to Tir or to someone that his uncle has chosen for him he cannot say. "Go without me and don't wait for me. There will be someone else out there who calls to your heart."

"I had thought I had found him," Tauriel mutters and Kili sees Fili shift behind her. His brother has kept a respectful distance but Kili knows he is becoming concerned and they need to be back in the mountain soon, before Thorin sends out a search party. Bilbo leaves tomorrow and the longer they linger here the worse their uncle's mood, already dark, will become.

"Everyone needs a first love," Kili says gently. He knows who Mahal has designed for him now, but he has had his youthful infatuations the same as any other dwarf. It cannot be so different for elves. "And I will live for only a moment of the span of your life. You deserve more than that."

"You cannot be persuaded?" She asks, reaching her hand out to him.

"No," he takes it and squeezes gently, able to feel all of the delicate bones within. Elves are far more sturdy than they would appear, but there would always be the fear that he might break her.

"Then this is farewell," she gives him a sad smile. "Perhaps, one day, our paths will cross again."

"I'd like that," he grins. "Make sure you have plenty of stories to tell me." She withdraws, touches her hand to her heart and bows her head. Then she retreats down the mountain towards Dale and he knows that she is unlikely to remain now that he has refused her offer. She has only been waiting on his decision after all.

Kili breathes out a heavy sigh. It had been easier, in some respects, than he had thought but harder than he had hoped. Whether Tauriel is genuinely heartsore over it, he doesn't know. It is a difficult thing to turn away from one who gave up their world to save your life, one that he had considered a friend even if it has turned out that he will never see her as more than that, but he had to do it. He didn't have to _like_ it, but it is done. Done for his friends and his family. Done for his people and his home. For himself.

Perhaps Tauriel didn't turn her back on her king _just_ for Kili's sake, at least, so he hopes. Perhaps he was merely the catalyst, the last strike of a pick before revealing a multitude of diamonds. Perhaps she had simply been searching for an excuse and perhaps she had clung to him because she fears being alone in the world. Kili hardly blames her for that, he fears it too.

"Are you alright?" Fili asks once Tauriel is gone and they are alone but for the ravens than inhabit this part of the mountain.

"I am," Kili sighs, and he is.

In truth, he's almost relieved. He has spent the winter asking himself which path he wants to take with Tauriel, spent many days imaging futures with and without her and unsure which truly appealed more until he had been given the third option that he had stopped daring to consider. He had dedicated hours of his time, after she suggested that they travel together, trying to think of all the things he wanted to show her and the friends that he wanted to introduce her to. He'd struggled, though he was reluctant to admit it to himself. He had told her of the many wonders he had seen and everything that he wanted to show her during those stolen moments in a Mirkwood dungeon. Those glorious weeks where finally, _finally_, someone was paying attention to _him_ and not Fili. Where the attention was his _first_ and not as an after-thought because Fili either wasn't interested or was too surrounded by too many for another to be seen or noticed.

"Let's go back," he says instead of airing his thoughts.

Fili is silent as they walk, wisely not asking Kili if he wants to talk to Tir straight away or even if he wants to discuss his parting with Tauriel. Kili isn't ready for either. In truth he wants to put the elf behind him for a time because he has heard enough opinions on her to last a lifetime. As for Tir, Kili is beginning to accept that very little of this is _her_ fault. She may not have told him outright but having spent much of his night thinking on everything she had ever told him about her One he can see all of the little hints that she had dropped. All the hints that he would have understood if he had spent more time _listening_ and less time being outraged on her behalf.

"I need to hit something," Kili announces as they walk back through the mountain. He's full of tension that he needs to work off somehow. The grin Fili gives him is almost feral.

"It's been a while since you and I faced each other in the ring," he says, and while Kili had thought to borrow a couple of Dwalin's guards, crossing swords with his brother feels like an infinitely better idea. Fili won't hold back, after all.

He doesn't.

By the time the pair of them are done they have long since discarded their tunics, sweat trails down their backs and heaving chests in rivers and the flush of their skin makes new and old scars stand out. Many who _should_ be practising have stopped to watch the savage fight between the two of them. Fili is the better, of course, his focus has always been the sword and as a dual wielder he has advantages that Kili does not. That doesn't mean that his win, when it happens, is easily achieved. The pair of them have worked together for so long, trained together and against one another enough for Kili to present a real challenge to his brother. Sometimes he even wins. Kili's focus has always been the bow, but Thorin, and therefore Dwalin, has always insisted that he master the sword as well.

He yields to his brother with a grin. The new tricks that Fili claims Durin taught him have made him that much more of a challenge and that has proven to be just what Kili had needed.

"Again?" He asks and Fili shakes his head.

"No, Uncle will skin us if we're late for dinner," his brother replies.

Dinner. Bilbo is leaving and Kili has been so lost in his own problems that he had forgotten it.

The entire Company, plus a few extras, meet in a large private dining hall. It has been weeks since they have all been able to gather here together, life in the mountain doesn't stop, and Kili has missed the friends he made on the road. It's good to see Gimli as well, who greets them with a hearty slap on the back and demands to know where they have been hiding themselves. Tir stands with his mother and it is clear that she is acting as something of a buffer between Dis and Arja. Fili wastes no time going to her side, obviously intending on keeping their mother from intimidating the healer into leaving. Kili isn't sure if he wants Tir to come over or not, but he's disappointed when she lingers with his mother all the same.

"Why are you going Bilbo?" He asks the hobbit a little later when Thorin has been distracted by Balin.

"I miss my hobbit hole, Kili," he replies. "Erebor is wonderful, and I never thought I would see such a sight, but this isn't my home. It isn't made for hobbits."

"It could be," Kili replies. "We could build you a home on the side of the mountain if living inside isn't to your tastes."

"You sound like Thorin," Bilbo laughs gently, but there is a touch of sorrow to it. "You have all become like family to me, more so than those who boast of it in the Shire, but I have responsibilities there. I may come back, I would very much _like_ to come back, but not for a couple of years. I have a great many affairs to put in order first and should return home and do so before they decide to declare that I have been lost to the wilds of the world. You are welcome, though, should you ever pass that way yourself. You and Tauriel."

"I might take you up on it," Kili smiles, noting that Tir has drifted closer to them, "but only for myself. Tauriel and I parted ways this morning. She is to explore the world, I'm needed here. If I _do_ ever come your way it won't be with her."

"I am sorry to hear that," Bilbo says. "I had thought-"

"As did a lot of people," Kili says ruefully, "they saw a great deal more in our friendship than there ever was." No sense in telling Bilbo that he had once thought there might be more to it as well. He has long since concluded that he was wrong and is relieved to have finally settled the matter for the both of them.

"Well if you're sure," Bilbo hums. "My offer stands, of course, for everyone here and any other that they might bring with them. As long as you promise that you will not begin to throw my dishes about."

"I'm not sure you would believe it even if I made such a promise," Kili smirks and Bilbo shakes his head and trots away to Thorin's side, muttering under his breath about irreverent dwarves.

"You will miss him," Tir's soft voice startles him, he had not realised that she had come so close.

"I will," Kili admits, "I can hardly match this hobbit with the one I remember meeting a year ago. This is a very different Bilbo."

"I can well imagine," she replies. "I have met a few hobbits."

They are stood in a corner near a side door and it takes only a second to grab her hand and pull her through to the next room. It isn't much more than a cupboard really, though it is empty and whatever shelves might have once been in here have either rotted away or been taken for materials. She hisses his name, her body tense, but she doesn't try to twist out of his grasp, and she is more than capable of it should she decide to.

"We're just ignoring it, then?" He asks her. "We're ignoring yesterday and going back to how things always were?"

"I don't know," she responds. "I just thought, since this is a celebration of sorts, we should be as we always have been. I didn't think it made sense to bring _our_ problems here. If it's what you want, we'll go back to how it was in Ered Luin."

"What if I don't want it to?" Kili asks.

"I suggest that you work out what you _do_ want," she snaps. "Because not everything will be going back to how it was, Kili. I told you, I won't start _that_ again. My heart can't take it."

His eyes flicker down to where the jewels than make up her heart hover over her chest. The shadow in the rose quartz is still there, though no more pronounced than it was the day before. He can see how much damage has been done by arriving and believing him in love with another. He cannot stand the thought of making it worse.

"Are we done here?" She demands, turning to leave and he has a horrible premonition of her walking out of this cupboard and never seeing her again. It is foolish and he knows that could never be the case, but the instant that he thinks it panic seizes him and he pulls her to him, crushing his lips to hers in a fierce kiss.

How, he thinks, had he never realised how _right_ this feels?

"This is what I want," he tells her, and it is spur of the moment and too similar to his declaration to Tauriel. This time, however, he _knows_ that there is nothing that can make him question this. It is right and Mahal help Thorin or Nirdan or anyone else if they try to object.

Tir melts into him and they stay hidden in the cupboard for as long as they dare.

* * *

_**A.N: **__Done. And that ending was a surprise to me as well. But it's done and I'm sure Durin will have a lot to say about it when I return to Mahal's peanut gallery at some point in the next couple of days. He seems to have an opinion on a lot of things. This is the randomness of my brain, after all, and that is a strange place even for me._


End file.
